In Search of a Goldilocks Moment

Here is the latest draft of the introduction to my next e-book. I’m looking for some feedback on the premise that it’s better to stay too long than leave to early. Thanks for reading and responding.

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Knowing when to leave can be harder than figuring out where to go.

My first e-book, Before You Go, focused on helping ministers discern if they should should accept a call to a new church. It assumed the decision to leave their current church already been made.

In Before You Go, I chose not to address the question of how to know when it’s time to leave your current church (or job). I can blame this omission on my desire to keep Before You Go short enough to read in one sitting. That would be true, but not totally accurate.

I also decided not to tackle the question of when to leave because in the past it’s been a question I’ve done a poor job of answering for myself.

While working in two very different, but equally challenging, church environments I was always more concerned with leaving too early than staying too long. Leaving is the natural response when things get tough. It’s the easy way out. I always worked with the assumption that the longer a pastor stays at a church the more effective he will be over time. I still believe this is true, but I also now understand that it is possible to stay in a bad situation too long.

I know this because I stayed too long—twice. In each case, I didn’t know I had stayed too long, until it was too late. And by too long, I don’t mean a few months too long. I mean a couple of years at each place. I’m confident that no one in either one of my previous churches will ever accuse me of is leaving too early. That’s not my M. O.

I’m the guy who stays too long.

And I’m okay with that, because I can’t stand the thought of being the one who leaves too soon.

I suppose this would make for an interesting philosophical argument over high quality grape juice: Which is worse, staying too long or leaving too early?

I’ll take the position that’s it’s better to stay too long than leave too soon. When we leave too soon, especially if it’s in response to difficult circumstances, we miss the opportunity to learn lessons that can only be taught by hardship, resistance, and disappointment.

Even so, it’s possible to stay in a bad situation so long that you can become overwhelmed with a kind of depressed cynicism that destroys your passion for ministry and erodes your self-confidence as a leader.

If only there was a way of figuring out when is the perfect time to say goodbye so that when we make our decision we know we’re standing squarely in the sweet spot of not bailing out too soon or overstaying our welcome.

That would be a Goldilocks moment.

Yes, such moments exist. But they are as elusive as a unicorn on roller skates.

And usually only recognizable in hindsight.

And usually more the result of luck than insight.

How many people do you know who can say they left their last job, sold their stock, or put their house on the market at precisely the right time?

How many of them can attribute their perfect timing to anything else but good fortune?

My premise in this book is that the best way to know when it is time to leave is when it starts to feel like you’ve stayed too long. Otherwise, you’ll be in danger of tapping out too early. That’s the kind of regret that can make you more miserable than staying too long ever will.

Why do so many great professional athletes play one season too many and retire only after it’s become painfully obvious that they no longer belong on the court or field anymore? Because they can’t stand the thought of quitting one year too soon. They’d rather embarrass themselves by staying too long than live with the regret of leaving too soon.

Why do some athletes try to make a comeback (usually ill-advised) after retiring? Because they’re haunted by the possibility that they left too soon.

The only sure-fire way to keep from leaving too soon is to make sure you stay too long. Just don’t stay so long that you fry your system and disqualify yourself from future opportunities.

With that goal in mind, I’m going to suggest some ways to recognize that you are on the verge of, or have already, stayed too long and that it’s time to move on.

I can guarantee that working through them will be more productive than trying to hunt down Goldilocks, who was last seen riding on the back of a roller-skating unicorn.