At the end of this excerpt from my latest ebook, When To Leave, I make an absurd proposal that I wish more pastors (and their churches) would take seriously.
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What Does Your Discernment Community Say?
“If you’re dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If you’re smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.”
—Aaron Sorkin
What comes next is idealistic, unrealistic, naive, crazy talk. You probably won’t have the guts to implement what I’m about to describe.
Tragic.
But I understand why you won’t.
It could get you fired.
One autumn evening I called a meeting with the elders. I also invited our associate minister who was a trusted friend. We met at the home of one of the elders and sat in a circle on the back porch.
I spent the first few minutes summarizing the major events of my ministry there and being honest about my frustrations. I told them I was seriously considering other ministry opportunities.
Then I asked them, “Do you guys think it’s time for me to move on to something else?”
This is a dangerous question to ask an elder board. We’ve all heard the horror stories.
A pastor entertains a conversation with another church about an open position. Somehow the elders hear that he is visiting with another church and they call an emergency meeting to fire him. Sad and pathetic, but all too common.
You may be at a church where if you even hinted to your elders that you were thinking about leaving they would expedite the process for you, but that wasn’t my situation.
When I asked my elders if they thought it was time for me to leave, I wasn’t worried about being fired on the spot. I didn’t call the meeting to warn them or negotiate for a raise. I wanted them to help me discern what God might be wanting for me and my family. I valued their input and needed their wisdom. I trusted them to tell me the truth. I didn’t trust myself to make such an important decision in isolation.
I’ve never been involved in a discernment conversation that was crisp, clean, and certain. Most are a messy mix of meandering questions, crooked trails, and loose ends. This meeting was no different. After I posed the question, we went around the circle and everyone asked me a few questions and gave their opinions. We talked the sun down behind the horizon and kept the palaver going until the evening chill forced us inside.
I can’t remember everything that was said, but I remember leaving the meeting knowing that it was time to move on. Not so much because the group told me it was time to go, but because no one had said I definitely needed to stay. The questions they asked and the way they asked them helped me see that I had stayed too long.
I chose to include my elders and a co-worker in the discernment process. That made sense for me. We trusted each other. That may not be the right move for you. I would, however, encourage you to invite a small group of trusted people to join you in discerning what to do. Don’t ask them to make the decision for you. Let them ask you tough questions and do your best to give them honest answers. Ask their opinion about what they see and listen to what they have to say.
Also, pay close attention to what they choose not to say. They can help you make sure you’re not taking the easy way out or getting ready to run at the first sign of trouble.
Here’s a proposal: I’d like to see more pastors include their elder board in the discernment process when they’re interviewing with another church. (Cue gasp!)
Wouldn’t it be great if every ministry transition were governed by what is best for the Kingdom instead of by a spirit of competition or selfishness from church leaders who don’t want to lose their pastor to another church?
Super-duper crazy talk alert: What if, when a pastor was considering moving to a new church, he invited leaders from both churches to interact with each other as a way of discerning where God wants him to serve for the next few years? This seems so much better than clandestine conversations with search teams at out of the way Mexican restaurants. What an amazing vision it would require for the leadership teams of two churches to come together and discern which church the pastor should serve for the good of the Kingdom.
Okay, enough unreasonable craziness.
Do yourself a huge favor and include a group of people you trust in the discernment process. If you pick the right people, people who love you and want what is best for you, even if it isn’t what’s best for them, you’ll improve your chances of making a good decision.
What you think about my absurd proposal?
You can read more from When To Leave by downloading the Kindle version from Amazon.
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Telling Stories, Asking Questions, Learning Lessons
Not quite the same, but it reminds me that Jim Bill McInteer told me that for the first several years of his ministry at West-End, he submitted his resignation each year. He considered it a humble way to give them an ‘out’ if they were ready for him to move on. His elders finally asked him to stop doing that – it scared them to think he was about to head out the door and they didn’t want him to. We do not do exits very well… there is a lot of ego and posturing. I can think of two ministry jobs I’ve had that I would still have if they had made any effort at all to keep me. Of course, as you noted above, the lack of effort to keep me was a signal that it was time to move on.
Hi John–thanks for stopping by the blog. I bet most wouldn’t try McInteer’s idea. Too afraid they’d accept it!
Before I took my current position, I did this with both my elders and my LIFE Group that met each Sunday evening at the church I was considering leaving. I thought it would be a fiasco, and that I was making a major mistake by including so many people in this decision. It turned out to be very beneficial.
Gilbert–that is awesome! Thanks for jumping into the conversation.