When someone leaves a church to go somewhere else, they are almost never leaving solely because of the reason they give on the way out the door. They are leaving for a cluster of reasons. They’ve been disappointed a number of times with the direction of the church. Their core beliefs have been dinged up and offended. They’ve seen good friends leave for their own reasons. Their kids aren’t having fun.They’ve lost their job. They owe someone in the church money. They feel ignored by their small group. All of those things start to add up.
The way it usually works is that they accumulate a long list of reasons for why they’re thinking about leaving. Then something happens that functions as a trigger mechanism. It could be the most innocuous of changes or it could be a misunderstood comment from a shepherd. Once their switch is flipped, they’re gone. They will almost always only tell you what flipped their switch and not go into all the other things that have brought them to this decision.
Why is this important to know?
First, this means that congregational leaders and their critics can’t oversimplify why people are leaving. It’s not just the music or the children’s program or the sorry state of the parking lot. It’s more than that. If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to oversimplify this issue at Garnett I’d be able to go to the bank and cash in my coins and take my fam to Disneyland.
Second, if you really want to know why someone is leaving you’ve got to sit down with them and ask lots of questions and do lots of listening. If you ask good questions and sit there in silence long enough, you just might come away with a semi-accurate understanding of why they’re leaving. Maybe. They still might not tell you the whole story.
It’s no secret that we’ve had several hundred folks leave Garnett over the past few years. I’m always being asked why so many people have left. The truth is that I don’t know. Everyone wants a simple answer. They want to believe that there is one main reason that explains it all. One big mistake that was made. One controversial sermon that pushed them over the edge.
I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work that way.
Almost all of them had a stated reason for leaving. The moved. They died. They didn’t like the student minister. They didn’t like that we didn’t have a student minister. They didn’t think I was conservative enough. They didn’t think we were mission-minded enough. They didn’t like the way we did communion. They didn’t think our doctrine of the Holy Spirit was robust enough.The list goes on.
Those were all the stated reasons for their departure, but I promise you, except for those who moved or died, it is much more complicated than that.
The only thing more mysterious to me than why some people leave is why some people stay.
Telling Stories, Asking Questions, Learning Lessons
We left where we were going and i don’t think anyone wants to know why, seems weird to put in so much and then just walk away….but wow we are happy…praise and worship moves us freedom is wonderful….but I don’t raise hands….fraid someone will tell my mom and she would spank my behind….
i like my wife…
you are doing great…thanks
You are right…it is never simple, it is never one thing. For most people leaving is hard…you try everything else first…
I stay because God hasn’t told me to go yet.
I stay because you rock!
Oh and several other reasons.
Rock on!
People desire to be where they are comfortable. From what I’ve seen, people most desire to conserve the church of their childhood. That is what defines how things should be and it is what gives them comfort. It takes some kind of offense or conversion experience to convince them to change from that. You are what you were when you were ten years old. The way life was (or how you think it was) when you were ten is how it ought to be now. I was in a church a few years ago that passed a sack basket made of some fine silky material instead of the standard wicker collection plate and I felt a bit of nausea, even though there is nothing wrong with such a container. This was despite the fact that I think of myself as being quite open to change and I take the liberal side of nearly all Church of Christ issues. But I also understand this bit of psychology is working in me at all times as well.
Thank you for your open and honest conversation on a very difficult subject. I appreciate the clarity of your uncertainty. What makes it frustrating for a minister is to try to figure it out, solve the puzzle. My experience tells me you are right in saying it is combination of things. Things known and unknown. I think the challenge is how much do you listen to gain valuable feedback versus moving on to minister and lead those who stay. Strong self leadership is needed to be true to mission. Thanks Wade!
Great post Wade.
We’ve had many folks leave for reasons that have also attracted many “differnt” folks…there’s no science to it, it is as complex as you’ve suggested.
I think the 35 and under crowd is attracted to church communities with the following characteristics.
1. Risk-takers. Is your church a group of people who take tangible (money, career, situatedness) risks for the kingdom of God?
2. Life with those in the margin. Does your church serve poverty in all its forms–relational, emotional, as well as physical poverty?
3. Is there a spirit of dialog and freedom for varying viewpoints on the work of the spirit, the sacraments, etc?
I work in HR for a good sized corporation, and several times since I’ve been here someone has decided to dig into the attrition rates and ask — ‘why are the people leaving?’ Often, the number one reason on a survey is ‘I got a better offer.’ I’ve seen people interpret this to mean that the person left for more money — and in some cases I’m sure that’s true. But that is an oversimplification — an offer could be ‘better’ for many reasons aside from money. Some people want more responsibility; some want less. Some people want to work closer to home; some people want to work FROM home. Some people are leaving to follow a dream, or to find a better ‘work/life’ balance, or to better locate themselves to care for an ailing loved one. And so, inevitably, whoever is looking at the data will eventually pick a couple of things that our company can try to improve in order to reduce (unwanted*) attrition, and we’ll all go back to doing our day jobs. (*In business, there is of course such a thing as WANTED attrition — for example, employees who are constantly complaining or causing problems, or who seem to absorb everyone’s productive time with meaningless conflicts.) I can see how church ‘attrition’ could have similarities…
When Lisa and I read your blog, we thought you were talking about us. The College Church in Fresno (west coast home of ZOE) is going through similar straits, right down to the weeds growing in the parking lot. Many have left. Few have been asked why.
There are a LOT of reasons why people leave. But we’ll never learn what changes to make or, indeed, if any change is warranted unless we sit down with people and ask questions. Maybe we’ll never get the whole truth, but we’ll know more than we did before.
Thanks for sharing this.
I had written a really sarcastic response to your post, Wade. It was a well written and witty piece of satire that blended all of the usual excuses into a mega, one stop shopping, end of the world type excuse. It was too risky, though, so I just wanted to say this. You stated, “The only thing more mysterious to me than why some people leave is why some people stay.” As a minister, there is nothing more mysterious to me than my own desire to leave on some days and stay on others. I think I stay because I break bread with these people each week. Even though other “tables” attract me throughout the week, it is gathered around the Lord’s table that I discover both my call and my home. That’s why it sucks most of the time when people leave under the circumstances that most people leave. It’s not because their issue for leaving was petty or unreasonable; it’s because there is now an empty place at the table, and hands that once passed me sacred elements will no longer be there to give and/or receive holy bread and wine.
So what do you do with people that leave?
Do you follow up on them?
Do you breath a sigh of relief?
Some churches conduct exit interviews to find out why. It takes work, and not all are open to the interviews, but the ones who are can provide great insight into why folks leave. Most just won’t take the time to even try.
This is true. There is some great work done on this by John Savage. Contact me and I will let anyone know more about the details. This material changed my ministry.
http://www.matthewsblog.waynesborochurchofchrist.org
Why do some people stay…why do I stay….truthfully I stay because I am not in need of my pastor to be my savior. No one at Garnett has to please me…if I don’t like something that is going on (and I like it all) I pray for discernment and go on. The issue of women and music is a fine way for satan to keep us distracted. I think Wade is a fine young man and outstanding preacher and all the flak he gets is just sickening. I admire his ability to just carry on and do what he feels God is leading him to do.Rock on Wade.