A Word to the Desperate and Lovesick

Here is an excerpt from my book Before You Go.

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“They say love is blind; it is also deaf, dumb, and stupid.”
-Jaded Cynic

“The girls all get prettier at closing time.”
-Mickey Gilley

I used to hate doing premarital counseling and so did the first few couples I counseled. That’s because I didn’t understand the purpose of the exercise. I assumed the couple sitting in my office wanted my help deciding whether or not they should get married. My philosophy was that if they survived six sessions with me then they were truly meant for each other. It took me a few cycles to realize that their decision had already been made. They were in love and they were going to get married no matter what we talked about in our sessions together.

So I dropped the “bad cop” persona and shifted my approach.  Instead of trying to talk them out of getting married, I adopted the more modest goal of attempting to float a few decent questions in front of their lovesick eyes, hoping they would enter their marriage with at least one realistic expectation. My questions never convinced a couple to break their engagement, but it did help a few of them entertain the possibility that marriage was not going to be a never-ending co-ed slumber party.

I’ve adopted the same approach in this book. I know how easy it is for both the church and the prospective minister to emerge from a search process with unrealistic expectations of each other. The best way to clarify expectations is to ask good questions.  This doesn’t always happen because some ministers show up at the interview wanting the job so badly they subconsciously avoid the best (and hardest) questions. Some young ministers want to ask the right questions, but lack the experience to know what to ask.

You may be in love. You may be desperate. You may have already made your decision. I’m not going to try to talk you out of it. But I am hoping to sneak a few good, hard questions into the conversation so that you have a chance at making your decision with clear eyes and an open mind.

If we were having coffee and you were telling me about the new position you are about to accept, these are the questions I would ask to help you finalize your decision and clarify your expectations.

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To read more, download the Kindle version here.

Don’t have a Kindle reader? Not a problem. It can be read on any device (Macs, PCs, iPads, iPhones, Android devices and Blackberries) with the Kindle reader app. (Available here)